I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
