Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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