I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
