I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
