Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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