Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
