New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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