Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
