I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
