I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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