Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
