i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
