I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
