so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
