I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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