I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
