I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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