I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
