Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
