well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
