I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
