if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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