Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
