My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
