I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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