did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
