Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
