Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
