Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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