So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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