I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
