You really coming over, don't trick.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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