Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
