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The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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