I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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