My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
