I looked at my own cervix.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
