um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
