I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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