Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
