I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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