Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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