he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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