my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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