they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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