my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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