My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
