First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
