sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
