Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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