Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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