the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
