I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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