Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
