Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
