I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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