I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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